The Company We Keep: Nurturing Healthy Relationships in Our Lives

[00:00:01] This is the MahoganyBooks Podcast Network.

[00:00:37] And we're going to be 10 toes down celebrating black, black, black. Does that make sense? So it's not to offend, it's to celebrate us. We can do both at the same time. And I just want to say thank you for being here. You guys are in for a treat. I see some of y'all did not play with all these wristbands on. Okay. I see y'all. And really quickly, if you have a wristband, after this session ends, after each session ends, we'll empty the space, and you'll line up right against the next, if you have a wristband for the next one, okay? But I just want to come in and say welcome, and I want to come in and say thank you.

[00:01:07] And I want to say thank you for honoring the work that we do at Mahogany Books. Thank you for honoring the work that these authors put their time and blood and sweat and tears in. And yeah, that's good until today. Y'all didn't come here to see me. I know y'all came to say thank you, thank you for being cute ma'am, but y'all want to hear the author. So we're going to bring the author in. Right now we have Miss Christine Platt, our dear friend. Alex is en route. She should be here any moment, but we're going to get started anyway. Is that okay? Yes. Is that okay, y'all? Yes.

[00:01:37] Okay, I'm just checking. And the extraordinary host who is a dear friend of mine today is Miss Nina Ligon. Thank you. And she will be hosting and holding it down for us in this space. So let's give it up for Nina as well. She bet, she bet. And yeah, let's get into it. So without further ado, I'll let you do your thing, sis. Thank you, ma'am. And she mentioned my name is Nina Ligon, a.k.a. Ballhead Queen, if you must. Okay?

[00:02:07] And I got another Ballhead Queen that I'm about to call up, child. My dear friend. I got notes, but like, do you need notes when you talk about your folks? No. But I will in case, first of all, in case you didn't know, this is Ramunda Clark Young, who is co-founder of Mahogany Books. In case anyone's new here. Along with her husband, Derek. Yo, we almost had 20 years of Mahogany Books. So thank you all. Absolutely. That's big.

[00:02:36] They were doing online before online was online. Okay? So Christine Platt, a.k.a. the Afro Minimalist, a.k.a. a.k.a. She got all the names. Is a lifestyle strategist, modern day Renaissance woman. And she works in the area of social change, creativity, and centers her work around the African diaspora. Right? So she writes literature for children. I think she's done her last book.

[00:03:04] She'll talk a little bit more about Frankie. Frankie and M. Frankie and Friends. It's not called Frankie and M. That's so black. Frankie and Friends is the official name of the book. Of course, the Afro Minimalist Guide to Living with Less. Less is Liberation, which she'll be discussing with you all today. Truth About a Wee Tee. Rebecca, not Becky. And so much more, y'all. She is a remarkable sister. She's a native of Miami. She mow hood than y'all would ever imagine.

[00:03:34] She's really elegant. So if she, you know, slips up a bit in a hood come out. Her South Florida come out. This is a safe space. Okay? Christine, I know you hear me talking all about you. Okay? So, and joining her in conversation after she gets through traffic and parks is everyone's favorite, Alexandra L. Alex L. Y'all can give it up for her. Send her some love and light where she is.

[00:03:58] She is a New York Times bestselling author, certified breathwork coach, and restorative writing teacher based here in the DMV with her family out in Maryland. Known for her work in self-care, mindfulness and healing. She hosts the Hey Girl podcast and has published multiple books on personal growth. And I've been following her since her blogger days. Okay? And so to see where both of these sisters have gone with their work is truly inspiring in so many, many ways.

[00:04:26] And to know them personally is just, it just lights up my life on a whole other level. So, without any further ado, ladies and gentlemen, Christine Platt. Christine Platt. Christine Platt. For now, I'm sorry girl. Because, because no, no, no. She wasn't in my original notes.

[00:04:52] But you will also see Morgan Menzies later on this afternoon in conversation with Ramunda. What at 210? Yes. You're at 210. This is pretty little bookshelf online, y'all, if you don't know. So, she's going to kick off the conversation. Here you are, love. Alex is coming, I promise. They're like, we didn't sign up for this. Who that? Thank you so much for coming out today.

[00:05:21] The traffic is crazy. Alex is on her way. We're going to give her a big round of applause when she gets in here. Because she is fighting to get here. I am Christine Platt. Many of you may know me as the Afro Minimalist. As Nina mentioned, man, I have written a lot.

[00:05:45] Your ancestor's story is proof that strength and dignity endure even when everything else is taken away. When it comes to honoring that legacy, your privacy should never be in question. At AfricanAncestry.com, your story and your information belong to you. We destroy every DNA sample and never sell or share your data with anyone.

[00:06:09] Discover where in Africa your story began accurately and safely with AfricanAncestry.com. My latest and last children's book for a while is Frankie and Friends. And I've actually transitioned back into writing fiction. Has anyone here read The Truth About Awiti? No. Wow. So that was my very, very first book.

[00:06:38] And actually the book that launched my career as a writer. I independently published it. It went crazy. And I also like to share that as a testament to anyone out there who is interested in writing, interested in being an author. And the path does not necessarily have to be through traditional publishing.

[00:07:03] And when Alex gets here, she can attest to the same thing because she was also an indie published, self published author. And her work also caught the attention of traditional publishing. So I always like to give that spiel. Y'all do not have to depend on the powers that be to get your work out into the world. It is the readers who move these books. It is the readers who are here that we are happy to talk to and celebrate.

[00:07:33] And so I really just wanted to get that little plug in there. I love it all. So as we heard, you have written many books. But before books, there was a different Christine. Y'all, I don't live 10 lives, okay? I have lived 100 lives. And I think that's also something, a testament, right? Like I don't, if you feel like, well, this is what I'm doing now. I can't transition into this.

[00:08:02] I mean, the purpose of this panel is to talk about living well and living purposefully. And so, you know, this idea that we get this one job or we get this one thing or even right in one genre. And we have to stay there. It's just not true. And so my career actually started out, I'm a lawyer by trade. Yes. And I did very boring lawyer work.

[00:08:32] I did a lot of transactional work. I was an energy and environmental lawyer. I did a lot of project finance. I worked. They like, yeah, that's boring. I mean, thank you. No. And at the time, it was so wild because when I said I did energy and environmental law, no one knew what I did. They were like, oh, you work for Pepco. Right? Like, no one knew.

[00:09:00] And then all of a sudden we had this amazing man take office, Barack Obama. And I left the private sector and went to work for governments. I was a senior policy advisor under the Obama administration. I worked with Dr. Ibram Kendi at American University's Anti-Racist Research and Policy Center and helped stand that up. I mean, like, I have lived. Right?

[00:09:27] And I think what's so important about telling all these different lives that I've lived is that we all have the ability to do that. Right? Like, y'all, I am first-gen everything. Okay? Like, everything. First-gen college grad. First-gen first-time homeowner. First-gen six-figure income. Like, that means I had no roadmap.

[00:09:54] No one in my family could help me do anything. And that's the story, I think, for so many of us. And that's why we end up getting trapped in these particular spaces. Right? When I wanted to leave law, everyone was like, you can't. Oh, my God, you can't. You're the first lawyer in the family. You can't.

[00:10:17] Even when I was in government, I had, you know, some of my colleagues, they would say, oh, please don't leave. Like, we've never seen a black woman make it as far as you. Because they had been working in government their entire lives. Right? And I was, like, next up for SES. Which meant I would have been a career fed at, like, 33. You see what I'm saying? And I was like, my life is going to plateau here.

[00:10:46] Our interests changed. Our goals changed. What we want changes as we grow, as we learn, as we experience new things in life. And so we have the power to make those decisions. I know you all have seen a lot of stuff online about quantum leaping. Right? Y'all, let me just break it down. Now, if you are a quantum leap coach, I am so sorry.

[00:11:14] Because I'm, you ain't about to make no money from nobody in here. Okay? Because it is just another term, pop science-y term, I would say, to making a decision and sticking with it. We all have the ability to quantum leap. It is not something that you need training or guidance or a six-week course to do. It is making a decision, saying, I am done with this life.

[00:11:45] I choose this life. And I'm sticking with it. Some of y'all in here have already quantum leapt and you don't even know. Right? Anyone here divorced? Quantum leap. Anyone here a parent? Quantum leap. Right? Like, we do this throughout our lives. And one of the things that I've learned, and Alex and I talk about this all the time,

[00:12:16] we outsource so much of what we're capable of doing ourselves. We're always looking for validation. We're always looking for someone else to say, yeah, girl, do it. Yeah, you can do it. Come on, man, you got this. Right? Or here, let me show you how. And when we outsource what we intuitively know, who we know ourselves to be, we put our destiny in someone else's hands.

[00:12:47] So if I want to be a writer, and I go ask someone, you think I should do it? You think I can do it? I don't know, girl. And they're like, I don't know, girl. Right? Next thing you know, I'm still in law. Right? Dreaming about what if I just would have left? I'm going to tell you a wild story, too. I saw one of my colleagues several months ago. I consignment shop. I love consignment shopping. I'm still the Afro-minimalist forever.

[00:13:18] And I saw her at a consignment shop in Eastern Market. And I said, girl, what are you doing here? Oh, my goodness. Miss Dorothy, it's so good to see you. And she said, girl, I work here full time now. I said, what? Like, what happened? Because she told me she was going to stay a fed forever. She was going to get them good. I mean, the benefits were, I ain't never had benefits like that again. Right?

[00:13:43] And she said, under this administration, our entire office was closed, finished all our work, everything that we did, everything that we stood for. Right? I could have stayed in a role that 10 years later doesn't even exist. And that thing, man, it hit me. It hit me hard.

[00:14:12] I see my boo-ski. She is here. Also, you should know Morgan is our little sister. So that was the most little sister thing. Hey, guys. That's some little sister. Hey, y'all. Hey, boo. Montgomery County, first of all. The traffic is crazy.

[00:14:40] So thank you for being patient with me. Thank you. I was just telling them how we have these conversations all the time about how we outsource so much of who we are to others and how we have the power to do this work ourselves. Right? And I shared with them about our indie publishing to traditional publishing. Girl, I've been talking. I know you have. I know you've been getting them together. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

[00:15:09] So for those who don't know, Alex and I are friends in real life. We have been friends a really long time. A really long time. Because Isla will be my middle daughter. She'll be nine. That's crazy. We were friends before she was even in the world. I remember putting her in our prayer box. Yes. Remember that? And she is here with a vengeance. And she is here. Yes. Thank you.

[00:15:30] So we're just talking about, again, this idea that we don't have to outsource what we intuitively want and know what we are capable of. Right? And this idea of quantum leaping is you making a decision saying, I no longer want this life and sticking with it. It means leaving people behind.

[00:15:57] It means leaving old behaviors. Like people do all sorts of things to embody this person who they know themselves to be. Right? Maybe it's a new lipstick. Right? I tell myself, Chad, that's something the old Christine would do. The new Christine don't do that. Like I just remind myself sometimes. Right? Because we get so stuck in who we are.

[00:16:26] And who people have been used to. Yes. And expecting us to be. Yes. I think that that's been a big awakening for me over the past few years. Like, oh, I'm allowed to change. And I'm also allowed to have people like be upset about that change and me not try to fix it. Yeah. I love to see how you honor yourself as your friend and as a colleague with your work. We're colleagues. We're colleagues. I love it.

[00:16:55] But I love to see how you honor yourself. And I think it's something that I've watched you do over the years in a very beautiful way. Right? Because there's a way that we can be disrespectful. Right? Like, girl, don't be calling me. You know, I don't do that no more. Right? Or this is who I am now. You know? And like, I really would appreciate if you honor and respect that. You know?

[00:17:23] Like, there are ways that we can grow and evolve without hurting other people. And I think that I've watched you do that in a very beautiful way. Thank you. You're welcome. Awesome. Something, I was talking to one of my girlfriends recently. And I had said to her, like, I'm just so glad that we've been able to lean in together. Because there are people in my life that I've asked, like, lean in with me or let me go.

[00:17:51] And there have been a lot of people who have decided, I'm letting you go. And I actually, I don't really take that personal anymore. Because I think we have to remember, and I talk about this in The Company We Keep, is like capacity. Like, what is our capacity? And what is other people's capacity? I think we talk a lot about boundaries for other people and capacity for other people. But, like, what is our capacity and what are our boundaries?

[00:18:18] And how are we sticking with it or not? And that's a big thing, too. Because people are used to us being how we've always been. And change is hard for folks to accept and to respect. Especially if that means how they access you shifts. That's the biggest part, right? Any people pleasers in the crowd? Oh, okay.

[00:18:47] Reformed people pleaser. Reformed people pleaser. And everything that you're saying is so true. Because the biggest sort of rifts or issues that I've had have been with people who no longer can access me the same way. Correct. Right? With people who are used to, well, I would just ask you that before and you would drop everything. Why don't you do that now? Right.

[00:19:17] Right? And so this idea, again, if we're talking about quantum leaping or we're talking about making a transformative change, it means you are going to disappoint people. And you have to be okay. And you have to be okay with that. With letting people be and stay mad. Yeah. And that's really tough, especially when we love folks, right? I think that we, when we hear people talk like, well, they can be mad, they can stay mad. Like, maybe that's easier when it's not an interpersonal relationship or something up close and personal. But it's different when it's your mama.

[00:19:47] Yeah. It's different when it's your best friend. It's different when it's people who you love and care for dearly and you want to be able to bring them along with you and you can't. Yeah. Or they don't want to come. Here's another thing. Let's talk about this. Let's go, girl. Because we've talked about this on the phone. When I first started my healing journey, I was 23 and I turned 37 last Saturday. Woo! My baby! I know.

[00:20:17] I know you're looking at me like 37 is nothing. That's my baby! But how I've healed and changed and grown over the past years has shifted what I tolerate and how I communicate what I tolerate. And so I remember having a conversation with my mom and really wanting her to, like, join me on this healing path very early on. And she was like, absolutely not.

[00:20:45] I actually have nothing to heal from, so I don't know what you're talking about. And I really did want the people in my life to come with me. Yeah. And what I realized is that I was using other people's lack of will to heal to distract from my journey of healing. So I had to literally let people go.

[00:21:10] And I didn't, and in the sense of, like, if mom wants to heal, she will heal. If she does not, she will not. But that doesn't get in the way of my healing. Right. And so now, you know, she's in her 60s now, and she's with a therapist for the very first time. Incredible. And she loves her therapist. And she said to me recently, she said, you know, like, I get to talk to, let's just call the therapist Jessica.

[00:21:38] I get to talk to Jessica, and she'd just be for me. And that is what I've been wanting the people in my life to experience. Having not only other people that are just for them, their therapists, their coaches, whatever have you, but having themselves just for them. Because I've watched the women in my life, the black women in my life who've raised me, completely abandon themselves for other people and call it love. Yeah.

[00:22:06] And being a mother of three daughters, my oldest is 18, she's going to college in 17 days. Oh, she's going up to Baltimore. She's going to Micah. She's hard school. That's not that far. But she's like, she's living on campus and all of these things. But my child, my oldest child, she is so liberated. And she is so in her body and in herself.

[00:22:29] And that is all that I've ever wanted to do and be, but also witness as a mother of three black children being raised by a lot of black women. And like seeing us choose ourselves and not abandon ourselves and call it love for them. I love what you said because I think we forget that we're modeling. Oh, yeah. Right? Yeah. In real time.

[00:22:55] Everything that we're doing, everything that we're saying, all the decisions that we make, all the way we manage relationships. We're modeling for our children in real time. Right? And when I say our children, I mean all our babies. Right? Right? And this idea that they can see, like I, when I grew up, I never saw conflict or resolution. Oh, wow. Right?

[00:23:24] Like, so to me, the minute there was, I'm like, oh, this don't work. Mm-mm. Right? You know? And my, but my family thought they were protecting me. So clearly, I mean, they had to be arguing and fighting or whatever. Right? But it happened behind closed doors. And so I grew up thinking, like, everything is just supposed to be peaceful. Right?

[00:23:49] And so the first time I encounter conflict, I am like, what is, is a regular Tuesday for somebody else? Right? And they're like, all right, girl, let's go eat. And I'm like, no! You know? And so, like, this idea that we are constantly growing and evolving, and sometimes that modeling comes much later for some of us in life, I think is something that we have to take into consideration.

[00:24:19] We talk about a lot being first-gen everything, as I shared with you all. And when you are first-gen everything, that usually includes first-gen going to therapy. Right? Mm-hmm. And taking some damn meds if you need them. Yes. Yes. Right? Yes. Okay? And what that does is ends up, we end up showing other people in our families, in our communities. Right?

[00:24:49] That this is safe. That this is good. Oh, my gosh. Look at Alex. She's better. Oh, my gosh. Look at Christine. She's better. We are modeling all the time. And I love that you said that, because Char is the beautiful young woman that she is today, because you are her mother. And you have modeled this liberation that you're talking about, that you're seeing in her. You've modeled that for her. I've watched you.

[00:25:19] Mm-hmm. Right? And I think that's so, it's so beautiful. And the best thing we can do is heal by example. Mm-hmm. And I think healing by example is how we show people that they're safe with themselves. Yeah. And they can sit with themselves. Mm-hmm. And that's really the hardest part, those quiet moments when you're just with you. You're not with your homegirls. You're not with your family. You're not with your children. That's it. What happens when you sit with yourself?

[00:25:48] And what comes up? I talk about that in Les's Liberation, because when the pandemic happened, when we thought, remember when we thought it was just going to be two weeks, we were going to be inside. And everything was like postponed temporarily. Girl, it was so cute. So back when it was cute, I read this article on CNN, and they were asking this man who lived, he's like, he lived on this island in Italy, and he lived in isolation for years.

[00:26:17] And they had asked him, you know, what do you think is going to be so hard for people during these two weeks, okay? And I never forgot. He said, what a lot of people are going to realize is this is the first time they've spent this amount of time with themselves. Or with their spouse. Or with their kids.

[00:26:42] And he said what a lot of people are going to realize is that they don't like themselves very much. And they don't like their spouse. And they don't like their kids. It's true. It's true. The divorce rate during COVID, people were like, absolutely not. Yeah. Right? But when you think about it, we were out before COVID. We were out of the house more than we were in the house. Right?

[00:27:07] But, you know, and he said something else like a lot of people aren't going to, he was like, a lot of people aren't going to use that time wisely. And I remember saying, not me. I'm going to use it wisely. I hurt my own feelings so many times. Right? Because it's so true what you're saying. When we actually get a chance and we're honest and we do that self-inquiry and we do that hard work and we're like, okay, where am I? I know everybody else is wrong, but where am I? Wrong. Right.

[00:27:37] Where am I at fault? Right? And that's when I discovered like, oh, I'm a people pleaser. Right? Right? Like, we might be running out of toilet tissue and I'm about to take a whole roll to somebody else. Right? Like just constantly people pleasing, people pleasing. And the example I like to use a lot is, do you have a stamp? Okay.

[00:28:06] Now, people pleasers. You know this story. People pleasers. I'm so sorry. You're going to see yourself. But this is for people who may not know that they people please. Right? Because oftentimes we don't realize that a lot of the hurt and strife and pain in our lives is self-inflicted. Right? We just stay uncertain ourselves in stuff. And the example I use, do you have a stamp?

[00:28:34] If I would be standing in line, y'all ain't even talking to me. Y'all just over there. And I heard someone say, man, I really wish I had a stamp. Here go me. Stranger. Over here. Oh, I have one. Mind and nay business. Mind and nay business. Right? And of course they're going to say, oh my God, do you? Great. Yeah. I'm going to give them the stamp. But I wouldn't stop there. Nope. Right?

[00:29:02] They would say, okay, now I've got to go to the post office. Oh, you know what? I'm going to pass by that way. I'll take it. Right? And, you know, getting to the root of just doing the most. Right? Now I'm late for whatever I was supposed to be going to. Right? And get mad. We get mad. Whenever I need a stamp. Don't nobody get a stamp for me. Don't nobody get a stamp for me. Right? Yeah. But we stay inserting ourselves. Right?

[00:29:30] One of the things that my therapist said that was so helpful, she said, Christine, sometimes everyone has to learn in their own way. Yeah. Without your assistance. Leave it alone. Mm-hmm. It got nothing to do with you. Mm-hmm. Right? It just, I, she's a stranger. Why am I offering you my stamp? Right? Now, okay. Okay. Because I'm still probably going to offer.

[00:29:56] But I think this is where the capacity and, like, boundaries comes into play for me personally because I am a giver. You are. I am generous. I love being that way. And I know I love being that way because I didn't have that growing up. Mm-hmm. Or it was tied to conditional love and affection. Mm-hmm. And so I love giving. Mm-hmm.

[00:30:22] But for me, it's like, okay, I have a stamp, but I don't have to take that stamp to the post office. And then I don't have to ask them, like, have you eaten today? Like, I'm about to go get lunch. Do you want to join me? And, like, that's really hard for me sometimes. Yeah. Especially, I don't do that much with strangers, like, just offering to take people out to eat, but I would. But with my close people. Yeah.

[00:30:48] I get uncomfortable sometimes allowing my close people to be in their hurt. Mm-hmm. Instead of trying, like, and I say this when I'm coaching, when I'm teaching, sometimes people don't need fixing. They need witnessing. That's it. So my practice over the past five years has been just being a witness. Yeah. And not offering the stamp, but then, like, letting them address the envelope, letting them seal it, and letting them send it. Yeah.

[00:31:17] And when we give people autonomy, that is such a love language. And I think about it with my children a lot. Like, there's a lot of things that I know that my children are capable of that I will not do for them. Right. Dad, on the other hand, he will. He's softy. No, he's soft. And he should be. Yeah. But also, somebody has to teach them that they are capable of being with themselves and of learning how to do things that are hard. Mm-hmm.

[00:31:46] And as a fixer and a mom who wants to, you know, help and all these things, that doesn't do our children a service or, you know, my nieces and nephews, my godchildren, when we are consistently picking them up when they fall. Yeah. And the question we have to ask ourselves, I think, is why? And it's like, that my thing? Like, do they need me to pick them up? Yeah. Yeah. Why? Or can they get up on their own and then I can comfort them if they need it?

[00:32:09] Why do we feel like this will not happen or this will not get done unless we insert ourselves? Right. Right. So that was like the ugly part that I had to get to. Like, I'll just do it. I'll do it myself. I'll do it for them. Yeah. And that, man, that ruins relationships. It ruins relationships. And as you said, it takes away people's autonomy to figure out things and to do it for themselves.

[00:32:35] So I had to get to the root of why am I always overextending myself? What is this need to be liked? Mm-hmm. Right? Right? You cannot live out your dreams and your full purpose and your destiny if you are focused on being liked. Mm-hmm. It's just not going to happen.

[00:32:58] It has been the hardest lesson and the most beautiful lesson for me to be okay with not being liked. It's okay. Right? Right? And also remembering, too, like, we don't like everybody. Like, we don't. And that's okay. And that is okay.

[00:33:21] And I think especially as women and as black women, we have been groomed to want to be good girls and liked and well-received because that is what makes us desirable. Yeah. But that is not the truth. And my therapist told me, she said, Christine, because I, like, I was in therapy for this, people pleasing. And this, I just wanted to get to the root of it.

[00:33:51] And Alex, she said, Christine, for some reason you feel like you have to go through life with a hundred percent satisfaction rate. Mm-hmm. And she said, not only is it not possible, it's not necessary. Mm-hmm. And that was so liberating for me. I, you know, and we don't, sometimes we don't even know where some of this comes from. Right. Right? Which is why we start, like, digging and digging and digging and getting to the root of it.

[00:34:21] But we have the power to live the lives that we want to live. These purpose-driven lives that we're talking about, these liberated lives that we're talking about. It comes from within. And choosing that. Yeah. And I know, and I think that when we hear certain language, we're like, especially because of social media, everything is so, like, whimsical. And, like, if I can do it, you can do it. But it's like, not really.

[00:34:52] Because, honestly, if you don't want to do it, you're not going to do it. It's not for me. If you don't have the will to do it, you're not going to do it. And that doesn't mean that your life, your healing, your journey has to look like anybody else's, but I think that we really do, if we are able-bodied people with sound mind, heart, spirit, there are choices that we have to make. And a lot of us are not willing to make the choices that we have to make, which includes releasing what is no longer in alignment, which includes letting go of former versions

[00:35:22] of ourselves that have literally been showing us this is not working. Yep. And then, untethering from people, places, and things that lead to your downfall. Yeah. And we know when we're out of alignment. Oh, my goodness, we know. We just ignore it. We know when we're out of alignment. We know when we are. We can feel it. We know. Right.

[00:35:43] I want to ask in our last few minutes, how does the company we keep play into this purpose-driven life that we want to live? Because I know the company I keep has been life-altering, life-changing, life-giving. Like, the circle that I have now, my sister circle, we are all in alignment.

[00:36:12] It is incredible. I don't know where I would be without my sisters. And I think some of the lessons in the book are so important. They speak directly to what we're talking about. Because the company we keep does matter. Oh, it does. It does. I think for me, personally, and I write about this in the book, clarity is a love language.

[00:36:38] Like, be clear about what you want, need, desire, deserve. And don't hold back because you think someone else is not going to have the space to understand it. And even if they don't have the space, it is not your job to police other people's capacity. And I think the older I get, the more I realize that healthy communication that is clear and

[00:37:06] honest and direct, loving still, is what creates closeness. People are nervous, for good reason, to be vulnerable and to get close to people. And so they keep quiet. And then they keep sweeping things under the rug. And then the relationship that you really care about, romantic, platonic, familial, is now tainted by this huge lump under the rug. Because you are refusing to say, that hurt me.

[00:37:35] I needed you. I don't like that anymore. Like, no one is having check-ins, is what I'm realizing. And that is what keeps the company I keep in alignment. It's like, we are checking in. We stay checking in. We stay checking in. Oh, you've been quiet. You okay? Like, we don't just let silence linger either. And this is another thing that really leaves me kind of like hot.

[00:38:00] Because social media and how we were kind of conditioned is like, well, if they're quiet, they're just going through something. I'm going to just fall back. Sometimes that is true. But not addressing the silence, not addressing the quiet leads to deeper disconnection. And we live in a world that's like, well, they're not talking to me, so I'm not going to talk to them. I have heard women. I have coached women.

[00:38:29] Have been friends for 20-plus years. Well, my friend, she just shuts down. And I don't talk to her, so we don't talk to each other. And it's like, so how is that clear, communicative, and loving? And so I think a lot of us need a reprogramming. And no one is saying to force people to talk if they don't want to talk. But it is an invitation to like, my door is open for you, sis. I love you. My door is open for you.

[00:38:55] And leaning into that vulnerability, whether someone decides to walk in your door or not, is out of your control. But being honest and clear is how we create loving company. And you will notice that when you are not that way, the company you keep will feel, consistently feel out of alignment, and like they don't have space for you, and you don't have space for each other.

[00:39:23] I think that's the perfect way to end our conversation. Thank you all so much for coming. We had such a short window to chat. But Alex and I will likely be in conversation again. Yes. And a lot of what we talked about are in our books. And we hope you all enjoy the rest of the festival today. Thank you so much for coming out, y'all. Thank you, everybody.

[00:39:53] Thank you. What's going on, family? This is Derek Young. And Ramonda Young. Owners of both Mahogany Books and the Mahogany Books Podcast Network. We really want to thank each and every one of you for listening to this episode. And if you enjoyed what you just heard, drop us a review and rate us on whatever platform you download podcasts on. We truly appreciate each and every one of you for supporting us and making us your go-to for Black books. And we look forward to connecting with you all sometime in the future. Thank you again, fam.

[00:40:22] And always remember, Black books matter.